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I wrote this when I was working, and Alex talked me out of posting for the simple fact that, if anyone I worked with were to somehow find my blog and read it, it could stir the pot. So here it is, it was 2 measly months into my job.

I guess I was content in my simple little world, living on a budget and being with my crazy and difficult kids.  it’s that saying that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  don’t get me wrong, I like working and bring in the dinero, but I just didn’t realize that I hadn’t faced the world in such a long time.  Are people really that evil?  How desperate is the person that can’t just be happy with what they’ve got?  they have to meddle and poke and tease like we are in the 1st grade.  Less than 2 months and I feel myself in such a somber mood after coming home from work today.  I already didn’t feel good, so it was a the little things that got me hurt.  I thought I was really tough, but I guess over the past 3 years being Susie homemaker I lost that skin, all I had left were some mom gloves and pretty words.  That’s fine, it’ll come back, I am good at being angry when I want to be.  but I don’t want to be, at least not that often, it never feels good afterward like being happy does.  it never hit home how judgmental people could be with just a simple look, as it has now that I am outside of my bubble.  Suck it up, I know, but it is so much easier said than done on days like today.  my child-like side that everyone has, says “it’s not fair,” and the woman in me says, “show em what you’ve got, and don’t back down, and don’t ever turn your back.”  I really am a genuinely happy and honest, and nice person, but nice doesn’t always cut, it, and I have been through enough in my short life to know that, I choose when to be tough and when to be sensitive most the time, I guess it is just harder than I though after being away from the real people for so long.  And church doesn’t count either, because most people aren’t the way they are in church. 

Are you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down??? I used to think that being a mom was harder than being an employee…but I think I might change my perspective on that one.  Being a mom, and working, and coming home after dealing with the “real world” is harder than being a SAHM will ever be.  No offense to any of you reading this…don’t forget that I was there for 3 years.

 

So, there you have it.  Before I built my “skin” back up.  And it happened fast, which I won’t say I am proud of. It’s oddly unsurprising, but annoying, how a place like where I worked can change you in an instant.  NO MATTER how hard you try, it changes SOME part of you.  I am slowly but surely getting back to ME.  I am enjoying being at home.  In fact, my hubby smiled at me at the dinner table tonight after a hard, late day at work and commented after something he had told me, “besides, I like having you home.  I missed it and you have some kids to teach come September.  I love you.”  It sounds simple, but of course the way he said it, and the way I heard it, was calming and sweet and made my heart melt. 

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I’ve been eating, a lot.  Heaping amounts of really bad-for-you food.  Unwise, I know.  It’s all in my head.  I have somehow convinced myself that food makes me happy.  Which is far from the truth.  It’s like I am constantly thinking I better eat this because it might be the last time I ever eat it again…or something along those lines.  Well, I have been eating, reading, studying, cleaning, crafting, and all that great stuff.  I have been hitting the books for my business class, and trying to get prepared for next week when I go back to work.  I say back to work like I had a career before or something. When I was pregnant with the twins, I worked at Target…yes the big red dot.  It was oh so glamorous working there, people that work there really do thing they are something special.  Like, what, it’s a step up from Walmart and you think you’re high class?  HaHaHa.  It was a job…before that I was a waitress.  I liked it much better. But, somehow living in a larger town made it harder to find a job.  I’m not really sure how that works out.  Well, next week I start a full time job for far more than minimum wage.  God has really blessed me with this job.  It’s funny, he gave me all the time I needed to become comfortable with the idea of going back to work, which came in stages, and then the second I was ready, he offered me an amazing opportunity. 

 

Well……I guess that’s all for now, If I think of anything else I let you know.  I have been oh so absent and a horrible blogger.  Mostly because I was dodging you, all of you, I saw you coming around the corner and I ran….so so so far away. I didn’t want you to know I never actually started my juice fast with a fighting chance.  There you have it.  I failed and have been trying to pick myself back up again.  I’ll let you know how that goes.  Until next time…Adios!

Email me with questions, comments, or suggestions @ bananasblog@hotmail.com

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Last weekend was lots of relaxing fun.  Alex took me and the kids hiking in the mountains and to the “river” or “crick” as I like to call it.  I love being able to get out to nature, I just wish it was a little closer so we could do it more often.  The kids loved it, sort of.  They loved hiking, but they were acting like pansies when it came to the water and sand in their shoes.  HAHA.  It was nice to get up there because this summer was pretty uneventful compared to others.  We did a lot of sitting around.  With gas prices the way they were, and my truck being a gas guzzler…we didn’t go far that often.  Thank goodness for air conditioning!

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So, I am not so good at keeping up with my blog am I?  Before I know it, the weekend is over, I am knee deep in laundry (one pile clean, and the other dirty), it’s the middle of the week and I have still not updated.  School started last week, my new job is creeping up on me soon…and life just happens.  But, I committed to this blog not so long ago, and I promise you-my readers, that I will be more consistent.  “Consistency” that seems to be a word brought up in my life too often.   It’s my downfall, I am inconsistent.  But I am trying so hard to change that.  More from me later.  This blog post is quite a mess…I apologize.

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Bananablog@hotmail.com

If you are happy tonight.  Loved and Content.  Warm in your home surrounded by those you hold dear, remember these joys are just a shadow of what is to come.  This world is not your home.   Better days are ahead.

If tonight you hurt.  Memories flooding behind closed eyes as you lie in the dark.  Hounded by your grief. Take comfort, this world is not your home.  Better days are ahead.

If tonight you are alone.  Unloved. Everyone has someone.  Except you.

If tonight you are scared.  There is too much month at the end of your check.  No food in the pantry.  No gas in the car.

If tonight you are exhausted.  Worn out from trying to be everything to everyone.  Failing all around.

If tonight you crave the sin you left behind.  It calls to you.  Seductively offering a respite from your pain.  If the reasoning has began winding its way through your mind and heart.

Rest in this promise.  This world is not your home.  Better days are ahead.

I came across this poem of sorts in in this blog written by Amanda Sanders.  All of her stories are touching, and she is just a reminder that times can be at their toughest but you must always seek God, and he will provide, because even if not in our time, he always does.

I love my family so much, and it is just so hard to imagine all of the hurt and pain that may burden my children as they grow, and I hate that.  I know that the Lord will lead them, and that he will help them find strength, but I fear he might use them as an example of how the strong aren’t really strong at all.  I try so hard not to let fear come over me, and to keep the vision of hope for better days in my head.  It becomes a difficult task if I sit and think of all of the worldly things my children may go through.  But, I always go back to reminding myself that God provides, he heals, and he makes all things new.  I should not fear the world, because it is in the palm of his hand, and through him, all miracles are possible, and without hope, we cannot have faith.  So, I am always hoping for better days, so that I may keep my faith in him.

DSCN3116Lord, I pray that you keep my little ones safe, and free from harm.  I pray that you use them to show the world what good people are.  Help me to teach them the lessons most valuable in life.  Help me teach them how to love, how to hope, and how to have an open mind, and heart.  Let us not judge others for their sins, but help us to take a good look at ourselves.  Lord I thank you every day for all of the richness you have brought to my life.  I thank you for a husband who is trying his best to let you lead him, so that he can lead us. And, I thank you for beautiful children in both minds and souls.  Amen.

So, I thought I’d share with you my experience with kindergarten moms and dads today. I was asked last night if I could take my friends daughter (We’ll call her Princess) to her second day of kindergarten, of course I said yes, I love her and her sister so much, there’s not much I wouldn’t do for those little girls. She goes to the “afternoon” class which was kind of nice because it gave me enough time to get her and all of the other little rascals ready for the day without rushing around the house like a chicken with its head cut off. So I get to her school, and I pull up to the gateway to the kindergarten playground, all the moms and dads are taking pictures, and oh so sweetly watching their little babies go off to set their backpacks down and hit the swings. I get out of the truck, the gigantic truck, and my twins start screaming, at first gentle screams, but it builds as I walk around to get Princess out of her side of the truck. Already the “Lookie Lou’s” are a- lookin’. Then, I take Princess up to the gate, open it up, and I ask her if she has to wait until the teacher greets her for me to leave, and that right there was just the wrong question because all heads turned from the truck to me, like “What kind of mom are you? You’ve got three kids screaming in your earth killing, gas guzzling, space taking truck, and you ask HER if you need to wait, get it together lady!” But I keep my cool like I always, well ok usually do, told her to have a good day, then was interrupted by even louder shrieking. I turn and there’s a big lady walking by gawking at my kids and look around for their owner. I look at her through the rays of sun in my eyes and tell her, “They’re mine, and I’m right here.” She pretended she wasn’t giving me dirty looks. “Ok, bye Princess! See you later.” Oh the judgement that stirs the pot we call this big world. Is it really your job to give me dirty looks? I’m sorry I didn’t want to take my 3 kids, out of all of the 3 car seats, only to walk 15 feet away from the truck for less than 2 minutes. Mind your own business please, thank you.